Antigravity: The Feline Butterology Theory

Most of a feline lifetime ago, this philosophical question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:

“If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor, butter-side down. [their law of Butterology]
If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.
But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat’s back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?”

The Oracle deduced that “if the combined construct [of cat and buttered bread] were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall [and attains anti-gravity] … The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs [mid-air] they will instantly plummet.”

As cats we, of course, do tend to right ourselves, but just like the hairless talls, landing rightside up or rightside down matters little when many bones of the body are broken. I am relieved to find no record of experiments to firm up this theory in their mainstream science journals (such as Mad Magazine or National Enquirer). The sole historical record seems to be hertical heresay of unreputable email forwarding from March 1995. The excerpt that has been reproduced here is from

The Antiigravity theory sheds light on the nature of random odds and the pervasive nature of Truth. It continually insinuates itself into falsehoods. False premise does not dictate that all the research and conclusions that would from that are invalid. Accordingly, I see that grains of truth, as bones in scat pass unharmed through the process, even lending some leached vitamins to the ideas embodied in the theory.

While it omits mention of the equally essential dimensional portals, there is an admirable level of accuracy in what the Oracle concludes.: “Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this [anti-gravity-butterology] principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.”

…In fact, the early inter-dimensional propulsion system feline operatiors were primarily tabbies but there were a few Lt. Sgt. and Generals who were Maine Coone Cats, Ragdolls and Siamese.


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