Archive for November, 2008

Moving

Another stage of distance. Moving house from where Valderbar last lived.

Over 4 months have passed and moving furniture we find her hair caught here and there.  Allergies flare. 

Still have her carrier and brush and toys. 

She is not in these walls alone.

We moved though 3 homes with her.  

Her character is in us, memories internalized. Still occasionally expect her to greet us at the door, realize having been seated this long, she would have complained at my leg tension and clatter as I type by now. Intervals are longer.

Whoever you meet stays somewhat. Not as brightly. There are still times when I can exactly remember the texture of Pinkie‘s head butt or Jenny’s slobbering polyfidelitous affection. We swore she’d disappear one day climbing into the car of whoever next opened their door.

It’s cat lifetimes since the 80s and the silent mono-loyal ways of Suzy for whom only I existed, even the bringing of food was a shadow to her shadow.

Or Bearess who was silent shadow who would sit near with when concern, hovering when needed.

Rex is one of my oldest memories of security and Penny my oldest of authority. Trigger, the pony of my first hot memory of grief. 

There have been so many. Trixie‘s loss was the most potent as as an adult because it was a car accident yet even she still is vital. The pure joy she could exude as she capered still brings smiles at unexpected moments. She was tired after she ran but she never tired of running.

Each brought something different to the equation.

There’s a loss of the daily constancy. A new era shifts. Strange how no two griefs are ever the same. Good that older memories rise and wash over the last ones of any one individual.

I’ve said Never Again to share house and lives with someone so dependent, so reliant. It is a kind of slavery this taking an individual from their family and species. Even if a kind bondage , even if bonds form, if I can’t allow them to make families and spread and find their own mates who choose their own destinies…it is such a responsibility, a burden that yields a mutual dependence. The furrier animals may have their own lives, own thoughts and rhythms and moods but they don’t move off in the same way. They are eager for touch and want to communicate.

In old age they move off into personality shifts of aches or strokes. They may change the territory and break up friendships with other animals at home but not with the person they bond to. There is a guaranteed constancy at one’s disposal as long as one is willing to interact kindly.

There is family far off and friends near and far. There are acquaintances, activities and hobbies. There are ideas. But none of these are interchangeable for another.

Will never again be amended to Never Forseeably?

After a certain age, get a woman a baby or a puppy perhaps is a law for health or loss.

Perhaps neither. This is a grief and a neutrality both.

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